Sunday Lessons

Church has evolved into a whole different experience since Caleb was born. Those three uplifting hours have transformed into one solid block of chaos intermingled with spiritual enlightenment. In honor of this new chapter in our lives, I would like to publish a top ten list of things that I have learned at church these past few months. They are as follows:



1o. Five diapers are only sufficient on an abnormally good Sunday.

9. One 3-4 month old baby requires 30-40 pounds of gear for 3-4 hours of church. It takes 30-40 minutes to move a baby with its required gear from one room to another. This is the major reason that Sunday School and Relief society are often held in the same room.

8. When you pick up your infant son, you instantly gain a crowd of adoring onlookers and friends. These people will smile and coo at you. They will tickle the air around you. DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS BEHAVIOR. They are actually only paying attention to your baby. No one has noticed your presence yet. Smiling and cooing back at them will only make you look foolish.

7. While holding a baby, I can open doors with my love handles. I can close them again with my chin/neck.

6. A baby is a "golden ticket" to skip or attend any meeting you desire. This privilege must be used responsibly in order to avoid suspicion.

5. If you walk past the Elder's Quorum meeting with a screaming baby, no one will notice. If you walk past the Relief Society meeting with a screaming baby, over half of the concerned women will have made it to the door before you have even passed.

4. There are few things as satisfying as the sound a dirty diaper makes when tossed into the trash can from across the rest room.

3. If your baby is clothed when you take him out to change him, and naked when you bring him back, it is no secret what has happened.

2. Baby bodily noises will occur during lulls in the meeting. This will most often occur right after you raise your hand to answer a question. These snores, toots, and groans will be ignored by all except the young men and the missionaries.

1. Families are forever. That's all that matters.